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From: "Nancy Sledd" <nsledd@famlit.org>
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Subject: [NIFL-FAMILY:243] Resiliency
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Thanks to Dr. Meta Potts for this article.
Grace Under Fire
How to help your child handle the tough times
By Leslie Garisto Pfaff
My 7-year-old daughter, Lily, gives every indication of being a
roll-with-the-punches kind of kid, handling the stresses of her young life
(entering first grade is no mean feat) with a grace and equanimity that
constantly surprise me. Still, on those days when my thoughts veer to the
future and the as-yet-unnamed difficulties she's likely to encounter, I
can't help worrying, especially when I view her through the lens of my own
childhood.
When I was 12, my mother died suddenly of cancer - an emotional blow I
didn't fully recover from for many years. When I became a mother myself, I
was haunted by the fear that my daughter might have to suffer a similar loss.
Like most parents, I wanted to shield my child from pain. But I also wondered
if there was any way I could prepare her to face adversity - and bounce back.
A growing field of research indicates that there is. Over the past decade or
so, psychologists have studied people who suffered childhood trauma, from
poverty and illness to abandonment and sexual abuse, and discovered, to the
surprise of many, that some people emerge from severe adversity relatively
unscathed. What's more, these survivors share specific traits (see "Can Your
Child Bounce Back?") that helped them navigate the treacherous channels of
their childhood. The question for those of us in loving, stable families is
whether we can teach our own children those same traits.
Can We Foster Resilience?
Steven Wolin, M.D., clinical professor of psychiatry at George Washington
University, believes that we can. Dr. Wolin, coauthor, with his wife, Sybil
Wolin, Ph.D., of The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise
Above Adversity ($23, Villard Books), believes we can help our children build
"emotional muscles" to help them rebound from hardship. And we can do this
with a few basic parenting tools, including what Sybil Wolin, a developmental
psychologist with Project Resilience in Washington, DC, calls "modeling" -
demonstrating through our own behavior that "hardships are conquerable,
manageable." We accomplish this when, for instance, we maintain our sense of
humor when we're running late and stuck in traffic.
In addition, says Ann Masten, Ph.D., director of the University of
Minnesota's Institute of Child Development, we can "use the teaching
moment" - pointing out appropriate and inappropriate responses to stress in
other people we see on the street, in books and movies, even in our own
families. Most important, we can encourage the kinds of behavior that build
emotional strength, from independent problem-solving to collaboration. Masten
and others in the field also point to certain key actions that we can take to
help our kids develop the combination of traits collectively known as
resilience.
Encourage the Three I's
Central to the ability to rebound from stress is a sense of mastery over your
own life. And what fuels this feeling are the three I's: independence,
initiative, and insight.
If we want to raise independent children, the first thing we have to do is
pay less attention to one of the most basic of parental urges: Our desire,
often finely tuned, to keep our kids out of harm's way. "You don't want to
overprotect your children," says Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., professor of psychology
at Harvard University. "Let them know that it's okay to climb trees, to
engage in rough-and-tumble sports." And, from an early age, teach them to do
things for themselves, from pouring a glass of juice to inviting a friend
over for the afternoon to, later on, scouting the library for information
about prospective colleges.
To encourage initiative - the ability to self-start - Sybil Wolin suggests
letting your children begin to tackle not just everyday tasks but personal
problems as well; instead of telling them what to do, ask them what they
think should be done (and make sure they follow through). According to David
Miller, Ph.D., associate professor of social work at The Mandel School of
Applied Social Sciences at Case Western Reserve University, this is also a
good way to help your kids develop insight - the ability to understand why
things happen, and how our own actions can make a difference. Miller offers
the example of a child who's gotten in trouble at school for fighting at
recess or talking back to the teacher. Instead of simply punishing the child,
suggests Miller, sit down with him and, together, look at several alternative
ways he might have behaved; then let him choose the behavior that would have
led to a better outcome. "This kind of approach lets children see that they
always have choices," he says.
Set an Agenda
Miller believes that one of the most important resources for a child facing
adversity is the ability to plan. Understanding what it takes to devise a
plan and - this is key - to see it through to fruition allows children to
find practical escape routes from potentially threatening situations. And
seeing oneself as a planner is empowering. You can practice planning with
your kids in positive situations: Putting together a lemonade stand, say, or
organizing a slumber party. Let them put these same skills to work when real
problems arise: If your daughter brings home an unexpected failing grade, for
example, let her be the author (with your guidance, of course) of a strategy
for bringing her performance in that subject up again. If there's been a fire
in your house, let her help you put some safety measures in place.
Inspire Faith
In studies of children at risk, faith has repeatedly emerged as a key
protective factor. This may be the result, says Masten, of the support
provided by religious organizations in times of need and the simple fact that
many people are connected to religious organizations. More important, faith
tends to confer a sense of optimism in the future that is highly resistant to
stress. Of course, the word "faith" generally brings to mind organized
religion, but it can also mean, in Masten's words, "a sense of meaning and
purpose in life." Resilient children and adults share the belief that they
matter, that life matters, and that they have the power to make a difference.
Encourage Empathy
The literature of self-help abounds with stories of people who have soothed
their own grief by reaching out to others - people like Candy Lightner, who
established Mothers Against Drunk Driving after the death of her child in an
alcohol-related accident. Dr. Steven Wolin notes that children, too, find
solace in helping others. Take advantage of everyday opportunities to promote
empathy: Ask your kids if they can imagine being in the situation of people
they see on the news. When you slip a dollar into the Salvation Army kettle,
explain why you're doing it. Let your children see you in the act of helping
others - for example, paying a visit to an elderly neighbor - so they can
observe the way these actions lift your spirits.
Get Creative
In The Resilient Self, Sybil Wolin calls creativity "the safe harbor of the
imagination" - a place where children (and adults) can slip away to find
refuge from the emotional storms that rage around them. Creativity, says
Wolin, is also a way of rebuilding a shattered world. In Savannah, GA, for
example, a program called Blues in the School encourages troubled
high-schoolers to heal their troubles through music, by literally singing the
blues of their own lives. Parents can apply the same principles to their own
kids, Wolin says. When my daughter was anxious about her first ballet
recital, I suggested that she sit down and draw two pictures: one of her
nervous self and the other of the glorious ballerina she hoped to be. She had
great fun sketching out a rubbery, nervous dancer with down-turned mouth and
knitted brow, and the twin image - a beaming prima ballerina performing a
perfect pirouette - which let her see herself as she could be.
Lighten Up
Of all the resources we can muster against despair, humor may be the most
restorative. What better way to cut a demon down to size than to laugh at
him? It's also important, says Dr. Steven Wolin, to be able to poke fun at
yourself - something that may not come easily to your average 6- or
12-year-old. Nevertheless, he advises, it's a trait that can be taught. Let
your child see you make light of your own troubles; even better, laugh at
something silly the two of you may have done together: "Weren't we dopey to
forget to bring along our umbrellas? Now we look like a couple of drowned
rats."
Teach Team Spirit
Kids who can bounce back from adversity understand the power of
collaboration; they seem to have a natural impulse to "recruit" - to reach
out to others in times of trouble. They also show the ability to engage
adults, notes Dr. Steven Wolin, in a few very specific ways: Showing
curiosity, asking questions, and making eye contact. If your child, like
mine, is shy around grown-ups, try coaching her before an encounter;
together, think of a few simple questions she can ask - about family, a job,
a hobby, or even a pet, for example.
Whatever you do, don't let your children "tough out" bad times by themselves;
instead, encourage them to come to you and others who can help. Make an
effort to foster relationships between your children and what Masten calls "a
network of caring adults": Relatives, neighbors, teachers, guidance
counselors, clergy, coaches, etc. And make sure your kids participate in a
positive group activity, like scouting or team sports.
Finally, don't forget that family matters - even, says Masten, when the
family isn't around. In the years after my mother's death, my brother and
sister, along with three doting grandparents, were unfailingly there for me.
And though she's no longer around, my mother provided me with a reservoir of
strength and love that I continue to draw on - a gift of resilience I hope to
pass along to my own daughter.
WILL YOUR CHILD BE ABLE TO BOUNCE BACK?
While we can't exactly predict which children will sail through adversity and
which will flounder, we can get a sense of their potential to bounce back by
checking for certain traits common to adults who have rebounded from troubled
childhoods. Ask yourself if your child exhibits these traits. (You can also
take this quiz to test your own mettle.)
* Does your child have faith in a higher power, or express positive
thoughts about the future?
* Is your child able to laugh at himself and his problems or mistakes?
* Does your child enjoy being creative and have access to some kind of
expressive outlet - be it painting, singing, or building model airplanes?
* Does your child have "emotional intelligence," which is the ability to
solve everyday interpersonal problems in a productive way?
* Does your child show a desire for independence?
* Is your child able to connect with adults?
* Does your child have a social conscience (compassion for others in times
of trouble)?
Don't worry if your child exhibits only a few of these traits; most
psychologists believe that all of them can be learned. And just as kids don't
need to excel in every subject to do well in school, they don't need to show
every marker of resilience in order to bounce back from adversity.
Family Life Magazine, November 1999
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