Return-Path: <nifl-womenlit@literacy.nifl.gov> Received: from literacy (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by literacy.nifl.gov (8.10.2/8.10.2) with SMTP id f3JDVag07912; Thu, 19 Apr 2001 09:31:36 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 19 Apr 2001 09:31:36 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: <fb.129b6bab.28104220@aol.com> Errors-To: alcrsb@langate.gsu.edu Reply-To: nifl-womenlit@literacy.nifl.gov Originator: nifl-womenlit@literacy.nifl.gov Sender: nifl-womenlit@literacy.nifl.gov Precedence: bulk From: AWilder106@aol.com To: Multiple recipients of list <nifl-womenlit@literacy.nifl.gov> Subject: [NIFL-WOMENLIT:1388] Re: Cultural Dynamics X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Mailer: AOL 4.0 for Mac - Post-GM sub 146 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII" Status: O Content-Length: 2717 Lines: 47 Dear Hediana and all others, This gets pretty personal, doesn't it? I eventually developed a key indicator in my relationship with my students. If I felt uncomfortable entering the kitchen while they were there I knew we were in trouble. If I felt uncomfortable coming in my front door, I knew we were in BIG TROUBLE. How to resolve this? I felt I had to tolerate this often because of money, but they usually left at the next academic break. Last January I challenged one student about being "moody." She got all huffy, said she would take it to a school administrator, then realized she was a tenant at will and she had no handle, so left in 10 days. In 24 hours I had another student. So there is the possibility of finding good relationships if you don't settle for the bad ones! The current guy is a dream, funny and hard-working, willing to give me a hand when I need it, has volunteered to shovel snow and has done it, all the right moves. "Trouble" always revolves around power--who is in control of the house or kitchen. In a marriage this might intersect with who pays the rent, or taxes, or whatever. I do wonder about men and violence, and what they are thinking about in a good relationship. It's important to me to rise and shine in the morning, and I know that I could not live with a man who was grumpy in the morning. Just couldn't and wouldn't do it. Maybe it would be helpful for your students to figure out what they "couldn't live with" in someone else's behavior. Or what they really need in a relationship, like someone to shovel snow. I have arthritis in my wrists, so this is a physical limitation. I have tossed a lot of things into this post, all the generalities are based on specific relationship problems I have worked on, front and center, for years. I hope my experiences are useful for others. Andrea This is all leading up to the topic of Setting Limits in relationships. Having grown up in a violent household I didn't do this, I had to accept what was dished out. (This lead me to stealing food--in my own home! This set me up for a life-time of going around authority, which has sometimes worked well and sometimes not. ) As an adult who pays my own way I have learned a little about setting limits and the self-esteem that arises from doing this. For example, with telemarketers I just hang up the phone, don't talk, if even there is the slightest pause before somebody says "hello" I hang up--it's always a telemarketer. These are teeny victories, but maybe this would help your students. After all, what we are talking about is healthy relationships and the same issues arise time after time in all relationships.
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